


Shades of White

by SkylarUnicorn



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), Tommy Ratliff (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-14
Updated: 2014-10-07
Packaged: 2018-02-08 20:53:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1955784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkylarUnicorn/pseuds/SkylarUnicorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I kind of suck at summaries, but... here:</p>
<p>Tommy is in love with Adam. And Adam broke up with Sauli. A perfect chance for Tommy, right? Except it's not so simple - Tommy has a secret he really doesn't want anyone to know. Adam can't understand why Tommy is avoiding him, but he's not about to give up on his best friend. Or did he start thinking about Tommy as more than just a friend?</p>
<p>This is basically an improved translation of my fic that was originally written in Polish.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328
> 
> It's all made up ;)
> 
> Apparently "prologue" will be called "chapter 1" XD

Tommy Joe Ratliff looked at his cell phone, which was lying on the table, with disbelief. He hasn't moved since he finished talking to his boss and best friend, Adam Lambert, ten minutes earlier.

When Adam called him, Tommy expected him to ask what's up, as usual. Instead he heard something, that to him seemed like the most wonderful news in the world: Adam had just broken up with his boyfriend, Sauli.

“I'm such a jerk,” he said out loud.

Of course he wasn't happy that his friend was suffering. He was happy because he now had his chance.

Tommy discovered he was in love with Adam during the Glam Nation Tour. Coming to terms with his feelings took him a while and later he was mad at himself for that. Before he decided to do anything with those feelings, Sauli appeared.

Seeing their happiness hurt so much that Tommy almost quit the band. He stayed only because living without Adam seemed even worse than constantly seeing him with someone else.

He got up and started walking around the room. Suddenly he had so much energy that he didn't know what to do with it.

Eventually he decided to go to a bar. The sun was just setting, so he chose to walk.

After a couple of hours and two drinks he wanted to go home. It was after midnight and the neighborhood wasn't the safest, but the alcohol buzzing in his head made him think walking to the bar was a good idea.

When he was leaving the building he didn't notice a man hiding behind a nearby tree. He also didn't notice when the man started to follow him.

 


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1 aka Chapter 2 XD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328

_a few months later..._

Deafening applause thundered in the arena, their echoes mixing with the screams of over a thousand fans in a cacophony of joyous noise.

"Good night!" Adam shouted to the microphone and strutted off the stage with his band, turning around to wave a final goodbye.

It was one of the best concerts he could remember. He was on fire for the whole ninety minutes, and Ashley, Rick and Brian had played flawlessly. The night would have been perfect if it hadn't been for Tommy.

Adam sighed. Now that he was in the dressing room, the excitement he always felt during concerts gave way to worry for his guitarist.

Tommy loved playing the guitar, and it could be heard in every chord he played, in the passion that he always played with. But lately, something had changed. The audience hasn't noticed anything, but Adam knew Tommy well enough to sense it. The blonde seemed to be playing mechanically, and whenever he smiled, it wasn't genuine.

A knock on the door interrupted Adam's thoughts. A moment later, after the singer's hastily shouted 'come in!', the root of his worries entered the room.

“Have you seen my phone? I can't find it,” stated Tommy.

“I don't think you'll ever learn to watch your stuff,” laughed Adam. He handed Tommy his phone. The guitarist cradled it protectively against his chest and forced himself to smile. “Probably not.”

“I'm going to a club with the band later. Are you coming?”

“Not this time. I'm tired.” Tommy began to head towards the door.

“Tommy, wait,” Adam called out after a slight hesitation.

“What is it?”

“I'm worried about you,” murmured Adam as he walked up to the shorter man.

“There's nothing to worry about,” mumbled Tommy, casting his gaze to the floor.

“I think there is. For the last couple of months you've been acting like a shadow of yourself. You don't go to clubs with us. I don't remember the last time you laughed or joked. Tommy, look at me.” Tommy glanced up at his friend for a moment, but then shifted his gaze to the wall. That moment was long enough for Adam to see the terrifying emptiness in his usually expressive eyes.

“You know you can talk to me about everything, right?” asked Adam, trying to keep the desperation he felt clawing at his heart out of his voice.

 _You have no idea what you're talking about_ , thought Tommy. It surprised him when tears started falling from his eyes.

“Tommy...” Adam trailed off helplessly, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder uncertainly.

“Leave me alone!” Tommy gasped out before he turned around and bolted out of the room.

 _What is happening to me? He didn't say anything that should have affected me like that._ Upon leaving the building, Tommy got into a cab and told the driver to take him to a bar at the other end of town so that there would be a smaller risk of Adam finding him.

A few drinks helped him to stop him from thinking too much and improved his mood, so when a pretty, provocatively dressed girl sat next to him and blinked at him from under her lashes flirtatiously, he asked, “Do you have company for the night?”

“Now I do.” She smiled, leaning over to kiss him.

He didn't even know her name, but Tommy didn't mind; he already knew what he'd be doing that night.

***

Somewhere else at the opposite end of town, Adam was sitting alone at a table, sipping his drink

and staring blankly at his friends, who were dancing together happily enough. He usually joined them, but this time, he didn't feel like it

Something really bad was happening to Tommy and Adam promised himself to find out what it was.

“Wanna dance?” asked Ashley, sashaying up to the raven-haired singer.

Adam shook his head and she understood he wasn't in the mood.

He looked at her as she was walking away and then went to the bar to drown his worries in alcohol. Tomorrow, he was going to talk to Tommy.

 


	3. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328

The next morning, Tommy awoke in a bed which, he realized after a while, wasn't his own. He shifted and his hand touched something that turned out to be the owner of the bed he was in.

He slowly slid out from under the blanket, trying not to wake her, and winced; the alcohol he drank the night before was raising its ugly head. He briefly wondered if the girl had some pain killers, but he came to the conclusion that he would make too much noise if he looked for them. Besides, going through anyone's else's

stuff – even if they belonged to the someone he had sex with – somehow didn't seem right to him.

Tommy dressed himself quickly and left. When he was on the street, he looked around, trying to orientate himself. Knowing absolutely not one whit of where he was, he realised how drunk he was the previous night when he slipped into his one-time consort's bed.

Pulling out his phone, Tommy checked the time and cursed. He was supposed to be at the airport in an hour. Also, he had twenty missed calls from Adam, five from Ashley, four from Brian and four from Rick.

His first thought was to call Adam, but he remembered the last conversation they had, so he dialed Ashley's number instead.

She picked up after the first ring.

“Where are you? We're going to miss the plane! Everyone is looking for you and Adam is beside himself with worry!”

“I'm coming.” Tommy looked around, this time for some cab. Luckily, one was parked right next to him. He hurried towards it, listening to the Ashley's reprimands.

“If we miss the flight, I will make sure you get kicked out of the band! How can anyone be so irresponsible? I'm not going to miss a concert in New York just because you felt like going on some escapade at night...”

New York? So that was where they were going. Tommy didn't really care if he was playing in one of the most famous cities in the United States or some shithole, not any more. He wouldn't care even if he had to play in a barn.

The blonde rocker sighed. Last night was supposed to make him feel better, but instead he felt even emptier than before. A worrying thought flashed through his mind, but he didn't have enough strength to care.

***

Adam has been walking around his room for an hour. His band, who had given up on trying to calm him down, were sitting on the couch and chairs.

“What if something happened to him?” Adam was starting to panic.

The phone rang.

“It's him!” announced Ashley before she picked it up. The rest surrounded her immediately. They tried to ask some questions, but she was too busy screaming at Tommy to relate them to him.

“Do you think the plane is going to wait for you? Maybe just... that idiot hang up!” She threw her phone away angrily.

“Where is he?” asked Adam.

“He says he's coming. He probably got drunk and fell asleep somewhere.”

Twenty minutes later, a breathless Tommy ran into the room.

“Where have you been?! Never mind, you'll explain yourself later, take your stuff and let's go!” Ashley didn't calm down yet.

Tommy left and came back a minute later.

“Has anyone seen my key?”

Nobody had. Fortunately, the staff had a spare key, but Tommy had to apologize a thousand times and pay for the lock replacement.

On the plane, which they miraculously weren't late for, Adam wanted to sit next to Tommy, but Tommy had disappeared somewhere again. It turned out that he was sitting a few rows away next to some stranger.

After a tiring journey, the Glamily finally got to the next hotel. Adam went to get their keys and the band waited in the hallway.

“Now you won't get away with it. Where have you been?” asked Ashley.

“None of your business,” grunted Tommy.

“None of our business?! Because of you...”

“Calm down,” soothed Brian, putting a hand on Ashley's shoulder. “And you, Tommy. You don't have to be so rude. Besides, don't you think you owe us at least an explanation?”

“I met a girl at a bar, okay? I went to her place and I overslept. End of story. Now would you leave me alone?”

“What's gotten into you?” sighed Rick.

“What took you so long?” Tommy whined at Adam, who was just coming back. He ignored Rick's question completely.

“The receptionists had to check if they had a free double room. I wanted to change our booking.”

“What? Why?”

“Because I'm not going to pay for the lock replacement again. This time you will share the room with me and I will have the key.” Adam's tone brooked no argument.

“But...” Tommy was at a loss for words.

“No 'buts'. If you can't be responsible, someone has to keep an eye on you.” Adam gave other band members their keys and headed toward the elevator. Tommy followed him reluctantly.

***

Adam was hoping he'd get a chance to talk to Tommy, but the blonde was apparently avoiding him. After Tommy dumped his suitcase on the floor, he left immediately. Hours later, and he still wasn't back yet.

It was late and they had a rehearsal the next day in the morning. Adam wanted to have a quick shower and go to sleep, but there was one little problem: if he did take a shower and Tommy came back while he was doing so, Tommy wouldn't be able to get into the room, so Adam had to leave the room door open. He'd much rather have it closed. Once, Adam left his room door open by mistake and almost had a heart attack when he opened the closet to find a drunk man murmuring something about a girlfriend who dumped him.

Thankfully, Tommy walked into the room at that moment and threw himself onto the bed. Adam wanted to say something, but instead, he he sighed with an air of resignation and went to the bathroom.

***

In the middle of the night Adam was awakened by a scream. He turned his head to look at the bed next to his and saw Tommy struggling against an invisible enemy in his sheets and screaming:

“No! Leave me alone!”

“Tommy! Tommy, wake up!”

Only when Adam shook him did Tommy open his eyes. The terror in them disappeared when he realized where he was.

“Are you all right?” Adam asked.

“I'm fine. It was just a bad dream.”

Adam knew that there was more to the dream than Tommy was letting on, much more, but he decided to drop the subject.

He heard a quietly whispered “Adam, are you asleep?” a couple of minutes later.

“Yeah,” Adam whispered back. “Why?”

“Can I... can I sleep with you tonight?”

Adam didn't ask for the reason behind this strange request. He only scooted over to his right, making place for Tommy. A second later he felt Tommy lie down next to him and cuddling close.

Although Tommy wouldn't admit it, he was afraid his nightmare would return once he fell asleep. He felt safer being held in Adam's arms, and it was with this sense of safety that he eventually slipped into a peaceful sleep.

 


	4. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328

When Adam woke up, he felt something lying on on his chest. Looking down, he saw and recognised the sleep-tousled blond locks of Tommy's hair. The guitarist was sleeping with his hand draped across Adam's stomach. It was at this picture of projected cuteness and innocence that Adam smiled fondly.

The alarm clock started to ring and although Adam quickly turned it off, Tommy opened his eyes. He hadn't slept this well in a while, perhaps a couple of months. He felt so good that it took him a while to notice he was lying partially on Adam. Upon realisation, he blushed and quickly pulled away.

“Good morning,” murmured Adam. “Did you sleep well?”

“Morning,” mumbled Tommy in reply, before he dashed off to the bathroom.

Adam sighed. He was hoping that after last night his friend would stop avoiding him, but he apparently had no luck.

Before long, the bathroom door flew open and he only saw Tommy's back before the blonde scurried out of the room without even a word of goodbye.

Adam didn't meet his guitarist until right before the rehearsal, but there was no time to talk then. It his affected his singing adversely, and the band noticed something was amiss after a while.

“What happened to you today?” asked Ashley, when he messed up the lyrics to Whataya Want From Me for the third time. Frustrated, Adam sighed.

“I'm worried about Tommy. Haven't you noticed he's been acting strange lately?”

“Not really. Maybe he's rather unpleasant lately, but it's probably because he hasn't had a girlfriend for a long time. Although he really should be feeling better after his last trip."

“What trip?” Adam sounded surprised.

“The one because of which we almost missed our flight. Didn't he tell you where he was?”

“No... We haven't talked much recently.”

“He met some girl at a bar and spent the night with her. Maybe he misses her and that's why he's acting like such an asshole.” Ashley shrugged her shoulders.

The jealousy Adam felt boiling deep in his gut when he thought about Tommy with some stranger surprised him.

“Whatever,” he said, mainly because he didn't want to hear any more details. “Let's get back to rehearsing. It's the last concert of the tour and I want it to be great.”

***

A couple of days later Tommy was in his own bed, trying to fall asleep. The fact that it was one of those hot, humid nights didn't make it any easier. Besides, in the darkness, his mind couldn't help wandering in the direction of things he wanted to forget the most.

And then there was Adam. No matter how much Tommy wanted to be with him, he wasn't going to confess his feelings. He convinced himself that he wasn't meant for relationships a long time ago.

Not able to stand these thoughts any more, Tommy decided to go a walk.

He walked for some time before he started to tire. Right when he decided to turn around and head back home, he bumped straight into a man who was none too steady on his feet outside a pub.

“Careful how you walk,” Tommy grumbled.

“Careful who you speak to,” he heard a gruff voice growl behind him.

Sudden, unexpected anger surged through Tommy, and he snarled, turning around and throwing himself at the owner of the voice, striking him repeatedly with his fists. The stranger was caught off-guard and lost his balance, toppling over and bringing Tommy with him as Tommy punched him in quick succession, blind with unexplainable rage.

The next thing Tommy knew, he was seeing the lights of a police car out of his peripheral vision. His fists were still pummrling the empty air before him as was dragged off the bleeding stranger.

Upon being shoved into the police car, his senses being invaded by the scent of air fresheners and leather seats, he finally realised what he had done.

***

Adam was in the middle of a night-time “True Blood” marathon when his cell phone rang. Looking at the screen, he frowned; it was an unknown number.

“Hello?” he said, picking up.

“Adam, it's me.”

“Tommy? Why are you calling at this hour?”

“I'm... kind of... in trouble.”

As Adam listened to his friend's explanation, his eyes grew wider and wider, disbelief flooding through him.

“Am I getting it right? You want me to pick you up from the police station and bail you out?”

“I mean... whatever, don't trouble yourself. I don't care anymore.” Tommy hung up. If it was even possible, he scared Adam even more with those words.

The singer grabbed his car keys and nearly ran out of his house.

***

There weren't many people in the police station, just a few bored policemen and two scared teenagers who were caught drinking beer at a playground.

Tommy was wondering what the police were going to do with him. After they took down his personal information, they let him use their phone, but Tommy didn't expect Adam to pick him up. He wasn't even worried. I don't think I have strength to feel any more, he thought, competely devoid of emotion. It was then that he saw Adam coming in and his heart jumped unexpectedly. So he came, flashed through Tommy's mind.

For the entire time that Adam spoke to the policeman behind the counter, Tommy watched him, trying to determine if his friend was mad at him. He wouldn't be surprised if Adam kicked him out of the band after everything he did recently.

One of the policemen approached him.

“You're lucky it's your first offence. You can go now, but next time you won't get away so easily.”

Adam remained silent until they got to the car. When they were inside, he uttered a single word that sent a wave of guilt washing through Tommy.

“Why?”

Before that moment, Tommy could not ever remember feeling more ashamed.

“I'm sorry.”

“I don't want you to apologize to me,” Adam sighed, turning to face him. “I just want you to tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

“I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. And I bumped into that guy and... it just happened.”

“Instead of drinking a glass of milk, you started a fight to sleep better?”

“I don't like milk.”

“But you like being arrested?” Adam threw his hands in the air in a gesture of helplessness and frustration.

Tommy stared at the dark street through the window for a few minutes. Eventually, he decided to tell the truth, or at least a part of it.

“I've been having trouble sleeping for the last couple of months. Once I manage to fall asleep I have nightmares and... you remember what happened when we stayed at the hotel,” Tommy finished, fidgeting with his fingers.

“Have you been to a doctor for that? Maybe you'd get some pills or something.”

“I don't like doctors.”

“You don't like a lot of things.” Adam raised his eyebrows.

“My dislike for doctors is at a special level.” The corner of Tommy's mouth lifted slightly, but dropped back down again almost instantly. “Besides, I already know what is wrong with me.”

“Will you enlighten me?”

“I don't want to talk about it.” To Tommy's surprise, tears started flowing suddenly from his eyes. I've been crying too often lately, he thought.

“Tommy, why are you crying?”

“I... I don't know.”

“Hey,” said Adam, handing him a tissue. “Everything is going to be okay.”

“Aren't you mad at me?”

“No,” Adam soothed, hugging him. “But I'm worried about you, and don't tell me there is nothing to worry about, because I know there is. I can't help you if I don't know what this is about.”

Instead of answering, Tommy hugged him tighter. They sat in silence until the blonde said, “So... are you going to take me back home now?”

“For a few minutes.” 

“A few minutes?” Tommy asked, surprised.

“I have an idea which, I hope, will solve at least some of your problems.” Adam smiled, turning the key in the ignition.


	5. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328

 

Adam pulled up outside Tommy's apartment building and stopped his car. Now that he had to explain his plan to his friend, all the confidence he had before left him. As he turned off the engine and got out of the car, he tried to find the right words to reveal his plan.

“Are you going to tell me why we're sitting here?” asked Tommy after a while, leaning tiredly against the passenger seat of his boss' white BMW.

“I have an idea. I mean, maybe that would help... I mean, you don't have to do it, it's just an idea...” Adam trailed off uncertainly.

“Okay,” said Tommy slowly, looking at Adam like he wasn't entirely sure his friend was sane. “Can you explain to me what this idea is?”

It's only Tommy, Adam tried to assure himself. In the worst case he won't agree.

“You keep having nightmares, right? So I thought that maybe if you didn't live alone it would be easier. If you knew someone is in the room next to yours...”

“Maybe. But I live alone.”

“That's why...” just say it, thought Adam to himself. “Maybe you could move in with me for a while?” he blurted out in a rush on a single breath, glancing at the blonde nervously.

“Are you sure? I'd wake you in the middle of the night. And you know that I can be really messy.”

“Yes. I mean... I'd rather you wake me sleeping in the room next to mine, than calling from the police station. And I can handle the mess, as long as you don't throw dirty underwear on the floor.”

"Really?" whispered Tommy, his eyes wide.

"Really," Adam assured, nodding his head for emphasis.

“Then I'll go get my things,” said Tommy, opening the door. “Thank you,” he added and stepped out of the car, sincerity coloring his tone.

Adam looked at his guitarist until the he disappeared inside the building. He couldn't understand why he felt so nervous. Tommy had been his best friend for three years; since the first time they met they knew they were soul mates. Maybe it's because I'm tired? he briefly wondered. Finally, he just decided to blame it on stress and forget about it.

At the same time Tommy was trying to make a choice between two black shirts, feeling extremely stupid. I'm not packing for a fashion show, and I'll probably be staying with Adam for a while, so I might as well pack both of them, he thought to himself as he threw in both shirts. Why did I agree to move in with him? I wasn't supposed to drag him into this... I won't tell him anything else, he knows too much already.

Adam lived in a two-story house, which he bought as soon as he could afford it. He'd had enough of cramped apartments; he wanted to have space for parties and private gatherings with his friends, where he knew that none of his fans would be able to approach him.. Although he loved his fans, sometimes he did not want them approaching him in shops, restaurants and on the streets. He was famous and his dreams about singing professionally had come true, but at times it was overwhelming. If he could turn back time, though, he wouldn't change a single thing.

“There are two bathrooms, you probably know since you're here often. You can use whichever you want. You'll sleep upstairs, in the room next to mine.” Adam didn't know why, but he suddenly felt nervous again. “Do you want me to show you where it is?”

“Relax, I know the way. I've been in your house thousands of times.”

“Yes, you have.” The singer shifted his gaze to the floor.

“Maybe... I'll go to bed then.”

“Good idea. I'll do the same. Good night.”

“Good night.” Tommy couldn't resist the impression that Adam was acting strange. He decided not to comment on his friend's unusual behavior as he turned around to walk up the stairs.

***

Tommy was awakened by the smell of coffee. He got dressed and started down the stairs, but realized that he forgot to brush his teeth and went to the bathroom to do so. He doubted Adam would appreciate having breakfast with someone who had morning breath.

When Tommy finally shuffled into the kitchen, the aroma of coffee was intermingled with the scent of scrambled eggs and bacon. Adam was a pretty good cook and Tommy, who couldn't even boil water properly, sometimes envied him that.

“Good morning. Did you sleep well?” Adam chirped, smiling at Tommy as he stiRred the scrambled eggs around in the frying pan.

“Not bad. Waking up wasn't the worst, too. How did you know I was up?” asked the guitarist, pouring milk in his coffee.

“I heard water running in the bathroom. And I don't know how you can drink that.” Adam nodded at the cup of coffee, in which the blonde was putting the fourth spoon of sugar.

“It's an energy bomb.”

“And a caloric bomb.”

“I'm not fat, mom.” Tommy rolled his eyes.

Adam put two plates with steaming scrambled eggs on the table, giving up on arguing with his friend.

“That was delicious,” said the guitarist twenty minutes later, as he put down his fork and petted his belly.

“Unfortunately, now I have to wash the dishes.” Adam looked at them like he was hoping they would wash themselves.

“I'll do it.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Tommy laughed, seeing the relief on the singer's face. “You made breakfast, the least I can do is clean after it.”

“Do you have any plans for today?” asked Adam.

“Not really, why?”

“There is a new horror movie showing in the cinema. We could go see it.”

Tommy put down the plate he was rinsing, because he was afraid he might drop it. He turned off the tap and slowly turned to face his friend.

“You,” he said, “are suggesting that we see a horror movie? You change the channel when you hear on the news that someone died.”

“That's different 'cause it's real life,” Adam defended himself. “Besides, you like movies that people die in.”

“You don't have to go because of me.”

“I want to go,” the singer insisted.

“Well, if you insist.”

They had some time before the movie, so they watched some TV. For a while, it felt like how it was before Adam met Sauli. They used to spend their evenings in front of the TV screen in Adam's or Tommy's house. When Sauli appeared, Adam brought him along for their movie "dates" and Tommy soon grew tired of being the third wheel, so he stopped going to Adam's house or inviting him over to his apartment to watch movies. Besides, looking at Sauli curled up in Tommy's usual position under Adam's arm hurt too much.

The blond guitarist and raven-haired singer got to the cinema shortly before the movie started. When some fans approached them for autographs and pictures, they stopped for a while, obliging them.

During the first ten minutes of the movie, Adam felt really anxious, due to the fact that he had no idea what was going to happen next. When the first head was sawed off, he couldn't help grabbing Tommy's hand in a grasp so tight that it nearly cut off circulation. When Adam did that, Tommy's heart began pounding, and he could scarcely pay attention to the movie anymore. That was how the rest of the movie went; Adam squeezing Tommy's hand whenever there was a jump-scare or when someone got killed.

When the credits started rolling, majority of the people in the cinema got up to leave. Adam and Tommy got up from their seats, Tommy stretching luxuriously, his right hand still caught in Adam's firm grasp.

“Um... Adam?”

“Hmm?”

“You can let go of my hand now.” The guitarist didn't want Adam to let go, but what he wanted even less was to see pictures of the two of them splashed all over the internet and on a web article under the title “Adam Lambert's new boyfriend”.

“I'm sorry, I haven't noticed I was still holding your hand.” the singer blushed, letting go of the blonde's hand. “I'm hungry.”

“That's because you were so scared!” laughed Tommy.

“I wasn't scared,” Adam insisted.

“Sure you weren't," Tommy teased. "Let's get something to eat.”

Sitting in one of the best restaurants in Los Angeles, Tommy couldn't help feeling like he was on a date. Don't be stupid, he scolded himself upon realizing his thoughts.

“Can we order?” asked Adam.

“Yes,” replied Tommy, noticing how beautifully the rays of the sun was reflected in Adam's hair, making it seem as it there was a halo surrounding it, or how wonderfully blue his friend's eyes seemed then. What in Tommy's eyes was Adam's ethereal beauty did not make him less in love with him. It, in fact, caused him to fall even more deeply into that beckoning warmth he now knew as love.

 

 


	6. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Temperature here is in celsius (forgive me if I'm not using proper English, I'm tired XD). So 26 celsius = 78.8 farenheit, 38 celsius = 100,4 farenheit, more or less.
> 
> Beta: Fireshadow1328

“Do you have...achoo! Tissues?” asked Tommy, sniffling as he walked into the kitchen, where Adam was sitting at the table, absorbed in writing down something that had the potential of becoming a future song. As he wrote, he answered absentmindedly. “In the upper cabinet in the bathroom." Adam's forehead wrinkled as he and crossed something out.

Tommy went off to look for the tissues and came back a minute later.

“Why's it so cold in here?” The blonde asked, plopping into the nearest chair.

This time, Adam looked up at his friend.

“It's twenty-six degrees outside.”

“Maybe you opened the window and there's some draft.”

“You look pale.” Adam got up and put his hand on the blonde's forehead. “I think you have a fever." Adam's brow furrrowed in worry. "I'll look for the thermometer."

It took a while, so Tommy decided to make himself some tea. He took the box of tea leaves out of the cabinet and dropped it. He bent down to pick it up, and then hit his hand on the counter as he straightened, promptly dropping it again.

“Sit down and take your temperature,” said Adam, handing him the thermometer.

Tommy complied and after a while announced, “Thirty-eight.” He looked at the display like he saw something extremely strange there, not comprehending the fact that he had a fever. “I think it's broken.”

“I don't think so. Go to bed,” ordered Adam.

“But the tea...”

“I'll make it for you.”

“You were writing something. I can't interrupt you when you're working.”

“You're delirious,” decided the singer suddenly.

Tommy didn't have strength to argue, so he turned tail and trailed back to his room.

Soon Adam appeared there, carrying a cup of tea, a glass of water and analgesic pills that he somehow managed not to drop.

“Take this,” he handed Tommy the pills, “and here's the tea. Be careful, it's hot.” He put the cup on the table next to the bed.

“Tha-thank you. Could you bring me another blanket? Or two.”

Adam adhered to his request and sat down at the foot of the bed, slowly studying his guitarist.

“You're going to catch whatever I have,” warned the blonde.

“Maybe I won't. Have you eaten anything today?” Adam looked at his friend with concern.

“I wasn't hungry.”

“I'll make you some soup.” Before Tommy had a chance to say something, Adam was gone.

The guitarist closed his eyes. That's not the way it was supposed to be... when he comes back, I'll tell him he doesn't have to take care of me. Maybe he likes me after all?, he thought, half-conscious, before he fell into a restless sleep.

When he woke up, he felt hot and weak. He dug himself out from under the blankets and drunk the tea, hoping to moisten his throat, but to no avail. Grunting, he dragged himself out of bed and shuffled to the kitchen.

“What are you doing here?” asked Adam at the sight of him, glaring ever so slightly through narrowed eyes.

“I wanted something to drink.”

“You should have called me, I would have brought you something.” Adam got up from his seat at the kitchen table and poured water into a glass.

“You don't have to take care of me. I mean, I appreciate it, but you have better things to do.”

“Nonsense. Eat.” The singer put a steaming bowl of soup in front of his friend.

“I'm not hungry.”

“But you have to eat to get better.”

“I'll be fine.”

“Don't be so stubborn. Sit down.”

Tommy reluctantly obeyed, but didn't start eating.

“In that case,” Adam took some soup on a spoon, “open your mouth.”

“You must be kidding.” Tommy made a mistake speaking, because Adam tried to shove the full spoon of soup into his mouth. Caught by surprise, Tommy glared at Adam as best as he could. Unrelenting, the raven-haired singer used his free hand to push Tommy's jaw upwards, holding his mouth firmly shut. Not really having a choice, Tommy swallowed, a thin streak of annoyance tingling through him. “All right, all right, I'll eat,” he said quickly, when he saw that Adam was about to do the same thing again.

Loathe as he was to hand over the spoon, Adam did so with a great deal of reluctance and a tinge of regret.

***

The night found Tommy tossing and turning in his bed, unable to sleep yet again. His fever caused him to be too cold with his blankets off, and too warm with them on. When he finally managed to fall asleep, he had nightmares. After Tommy woke up with hoarse shout of terror for the third time, Adam, wanting to be close enough to comfort Tommy should the need arise, decided to stay in his room. The blonde felt too weak to object, so his friend sat on the chair next to his bed. He held Tommy's hand until the blonde fell back into a shallow sleep. This time he didn't have any dreams.

***

In the morning Tommy was almost forced to eat breakfast by Adam before he surrendered and ate it on his own. Afterwards, he took an analgesic pill. When his temperature dropped, Adam told him to get dressed.

“Why?” asked Tommy suspiciously.

“We're going to the doctor.”

“I don't want to.”

The singer sighed. Tommy had always been stubborn, but when he was sick, he was even worse.

“Do you want to end up in the hospital? And have injections?”

“I'm fine.”

Adam looked at him in the way that made it clear there was no room for discussion.

It turned out Tommy caught a virus and the doctor prescribed him some antibiotics and issued orders for him to stay at home. Of course, Tommy tried his best to pout his way out of it, but the doctor remained stoic to his attempted charm.

***

A week later, Tommy was completely healthy. In the evening, he and Adam sat on the couch in the living room, watching TV. An episode of one of the series they both liked had just finished and Tommy was switching the channels, trying to find something interesting. There was nothing on, so he put the remote aside.

“I think I'll go to sleep,” he said, hesitating, not wanting to part with Adam.

“Yeah... me too.” Adam turned the TV off.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, the awkwardness almost palpable. Finally, Tommy said, “I didn't say this before, but... I wanted to thank you.”

“What for?” the singer sounded surprised.

“For taking care of me when I was sick. I know I get... unpleasant then.” Adam heard

embarrassment colour the blonde's tone.

“That's what friends are for. Besides,” Adam turned to him, “you don't get unpleasant. Stubborn, perhaps, but not unpleasant.”

“How do you put up with me?” Tommy asked rhethorically, looking at his friend with a curious glint in his brown eyes.

Suddenly there was tension in the room. Tommy wanted to get up, but when he glanced into Adam's blue eyes, he got caught in their depths. Those eyes seemed to be compelling him to move closer. He leaned over, slowly reducing the distance between their lips.

Adam wasn't going to stop him. He realised it wasn't the best idea, but then it didn't seem to matter.

They were only millimeters apart when Tommy's phone rang. The blonde jumped, suddenly snapping out of his trance. Grabbing his phone, he fled, nearly running from the room.

What was that supposed to be?, thought Adam. He's straight...

The sound of breaking glass interrupted his thoughts. He went to the kitchen, where the noise was coming from, and stopped in the doorway. Tommy stood in the middle of the broken glass, holding his phone, looking unnaturally pale.

 


	7. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Fireshadow1328

“It can't be true.” Tommy had been saying things like that for the last couple of minutes, not explaining what he was talking about. Adam had no idea who called his friend, but he figured the blonde was in shock; noticing it wasn't too hard. He made Tommy sit down and waited patiently for him to say something that made some sense.

“It was her,” said Tommy eventually.

“Who?”

Tommy blinked and looked at Adam. It was just then that he vaguely realised Adam didn't understand him.

“The girl from a bar. The one I spent a night with before we went to New York.”

“You gave her your number?” Adam felt a twinge of jealousy that he knew was irrational.

“No, I have no idea how she got it. But it doesn't matter. She said...” Tommy trailed off and stared into the space blankly.

“What did she say?”

“She said she's... pregnant,” he finished so quietly Adam barely heard him.

“You got her pregnant?”

“No, Santa Claus did. Of course I did!”

“How is that possible?”

“You want me to tell you about the birds and the bees?”

“No, I mean... didn't you use protection?”

“Yes... No... I don't know! I was completely drunk!” Tommy buried his face in his hands.

“Wait a minute.” Feeling the initial shock wear off, Adam started trying to think logically, not believing that the baby belonged to his friend. “How can she be sure it's your baby? I doubt you are the only guy she slept with.”

“I don't know... she said she's sure.” The blonde looked out the window.

“Tommy...”

“I have to think.” Tommy suddenly got up and slinked out the kitchen. Before Adam got a chance to say going for a walk in the middle of the night might not be the best idea, he heard the door closing.

 

***

 

The sun had started rising by the time Tommy finally got back. He hadn't taken his phone with him and Adam was on the verge of going to look for him, upon repeatedly imagining the worst possible scenarios and wondering whether he should call the police.

“Don't go out like that again. You scared me,” the singer reprimanded, relief flooding his system.

“You worry too much.”

The blonde went to his room and took out his bag. He put all of his things in it and turned around, bumping into Adam.

“What are you doing?” asked the singer.

“I'm going back to my place. I've been here for too long.”

“What are you talking about? I invited you.”

“I'm really grateful to you, but I don't want to trouble you anymore.”

“Stop talking nonsense.”

“I have to go.” Tommy walked past Adam, his eyes blank.

Tommy had thought everything through when he was walking around the neighborhood. As he got over the shock caused by the girl's call, he remembered what almost happened between him and Adam. He couldn't let something like that happen again. It was a difficult decision for him, but he concluded that it was better for him to leave rather than to hurt his friend. Anyway, it was most likely that Adam didn't have feelings for him. If Tommy made a move on him, he would probably break their friendship.

“Tommy, wait.” The singer stopped him at the bottom of the stairs. “What happened?”

“Nothing. I just can't stay.”

“At least let me drive you.”

“I'll take a cab.” The pain he could see in Adam's eyes made Tommy's heart ache. _It will be better for him this way,_ he thought, finding the strength to remain firm in his decision, leaving before he could waver.

Adam called him multiple times and sent him dozens of texts that day, but Tommy didn't reply to any of them.

 

***

 

A few days later the singer stopped trying to contact Tommy. After three days of silence, Tommy’s phone once again vibrated. Upon seeing Adam’s display name, the blonde simply deleted the message without opening it, afraid that he would succumb to his aching heart and beg Adam to let him stay with him again.

Around noon Ashley called him.

“Where are you? We're waiting for you!” Tommy heard Ashley say crossly as soon as he picked up.

“What? Who's waiting where?”

“Don't play dumb. We have a rehearsal today! We’re making a guest appearance in American Idol on Friday, or have you forgotten about that? Adam says he texted you.”

“Oh...well. Where is it?”

Ashley told him the address and said he should hurry.

Getting there took him an hour. Considering what time it was, the traffic was unbelievable.

He ran into the hall, where the really angry band was waiting for him.

“Finally! You overslept or what?” welcomed him Brian.

“I... didn't know we had a rehearsal.”

“I left you a message,” said Adam.

“Maybe I didn't get it.”

The look on the singer's face clearly showed that he didn't really believe his friend.

“If you picked up one of the times I called you, I would have told you.”

“I was busy.” Tommy knew he didn't sound convincing.

“Whatever. Let's start.”

Everything was going well until Tommy's phone rang.

“I'm sorry, I have to pick up.” He put the guitar away and left.

“Unbelievable! First he's late and then he stops playing in the middle of the song to pick up his phone!” Ashley looked at his back angrily.

“Maybe it's something important,” said Rick.

“Don't defend him. I think he let fame go to his head and he thinks he's a huge star. You have to do something about that,” she said to Adam.

“I know.” The singer sighed. “I'll try to talk to him.”

Meanwhile the blonde was having an argument with the girl from the bar, whose name, as it turned out, was Beth.

“I can't come to you! What are you thinking?” he was saying.

“It's your fault I'm in a situation like that.”

“You're at least as responsible for this as I am. Besides, I'm not sure I believe you.”

“You want proof? What nerve!”

“Yes, I want proof you're not lying.”

“Then you'll get it. You're going to feel really stupid.”

Tommy had met her only once, but he didn't like her already. She seemed as if being nice was an abstract concept to her, and it got worse as the conversation wore on.

“I'm expecting you in Chicago no later than Friday.”

“I have a concert on Friday. I'm not going to fulfill your ridiculous demands.”

“Oh, really? So we'll talk differently. If I don't see you in my apartment on Friday, the whole world will find out that Tommy Joe Ratliff got a poor woman pregnant and then left her.” The threat in her voice was clear.

 


	8. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me way to long to post this, but that's because I'm really busy, I didn't abandon the story or anything like that.
> 
> Beta: Fireshadow1328

In Tommy's opinion, Friday came way too soon. The band was playing on American Idol in a few minutes and he was in the wardrobe, fixing his make up.

The door opened and Adam came in, looking ready to go on stage. If it wasn't for the whole thing with Beth - he was in a horrid mood because of that - Tommy would smile; Adam always made sure everything was ready before any concert.

Adam pretended he wanted to see if the band was ready, but in reality he just wanted to talk to Tommy. He said some things to Ashley, Rick and Brian before turning to Tommy, picking up the cell phone the blonde threw on the floor earlier.

“I think it's yours,” Adam said, holding out Tommy’s phone.

“I don't want it.”

“What? Why?”

Tommy sighed. Earlier, he had decided against dragging his friend into his problems, but when Adam spoke, his resolve crumbled to dust, as if it was barely there in the first place.

“Beth called me about fifty times already.”

“Who’s Beth?” Adam sounded surprised.

“That's right, you don't know. It's... the girl from the bar.” For some reason he couldn't say “the girl I slept with”.

“Oh... shouldn't you pick up? Maybe something happened?”

“I don't think so. We're not playing anywhere in the near future, right?”

“No, our next concert is a month away. Why?”

“I have to go away for a while.”

“Where?”

Abruptly changing the topic, Tommy said, “We're up next. I'll go see if everything’s okay with my guitar.” The blonde turned tail and nearly bolted off so that Adam wouldn't be able to stop him. If they talked for even a minute longer, he wouldn't be able to stop himself blurting everything out to Adam.

Even though thoughts of Beth flew around his head like mosquitoes throughout the performance, Tommy’s fingers flew over his guitar frets with familiar fluidity, not a note out of place. For the first time, Tommy was unable to enjoy himself onstage. Despite his familiarity with the song, he couldn’t bring himself to improvise as he normally would, instead playing the simple, basic chords of the song.

As Adam was merely a guest that time around, the band performed a one-song set, and before Tommy knew it, they were getting off the stage.

As Tommy put his guitar away, he sighed, looking at the clock conveniently placed above his dressing room’s table. _Less than an hour left,_ he thought. _I have to hurry._ Without bothering to remove his make up or say goodbye to the rest of the band or Adam, Tommy slunk off to hail a taxi.

At the airport, no one paid much attention the blonde, despite his asymmetrical hairstyle, numerous piercings or heavy makeup. The people in Los Angeles were used to these kinds of eccentricities that Tommy seemed normal to them.

When he was finally on his plane, Tommy dumped his belongings on his seat and headed straightaway for the small lavatory onboard his flight. Gripping the edge of the basin, Tommy leaned closer to the mirror glared at his tired reflection, a small part of himself filled with longing for Adam.

 

***

 

After an uncomfortable flight, the plane finally touched down in Chicago at midnight. By then, all Tommy wanted to do was to go to sleep, but before he could do that, he had to stop by one place.

Despite his state of inebriation the previous time he was in front of the apartment building, Tommy somehow managed to recognize it. He desperately wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere besides where he was currently standing. Sighing, he mustered up enough strength to proceed towards Beth’s unit and rang the doorbell.

“Who's there?” mumbled a sleepy voice, nearly too soft for Tommy to hear.

“It's me, Tommy.”

“Oh. Come in.” The lock on the door clicked and the door swung inwards.

Beth's apartment wasn't big, but Tommy hadn't noticed before. It only had a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom. The in question girl stood in the middle of her living room with crossed arms, looking at him. She was wearing her pajamas and looked like she just woke up, which probably was the case.

“So you came,” she said, not bothering to hide her smugness.

Tommy laughed bitterly.

“Did I have a choice?”

“Don't exaggerate. You must be tired. I don't have a guest room, but you can sleep with me.”

“Thanks, but no thanks. I just wanted to let you know I'm in Chicago. I'll be staying at a hotel.”

“Oh.” Beth sounded disappointed. “But you have to come here tomorrow. We'll talk.”

“Be home at around one.” Tommy closed the door behind him, not waiting for Beth’s answer. _“What have I gotten myself into?”_ flashed through Tommy’s mind.

 

The next day, at precisely one in the afternoon, Tommy was sitting in Beth's cramped kitchen. She insisted on making tea, and so she was flitting around the kitchen looking for her tea leaves, much to Tommy’s annoyance. There were cookies on the table and she was acting like Tommy was just a guest who came to visit, which irritated the man even further.

“Do you want sugar? I have white and brown, but brown is healthier. Or maybe honey?”

“Just sit down already so we could get it over with.”

“What do you want to get over with? Don't worry, we have time, there's more than eight months left.”

“Stop joking, I'm not in the mood.”

“Okay,” Beth said cheerily, sitting down. “What do you want to talk about?”

“You said you would give me proof that you're not lying. Where is it?”

“Calm down. I have a doctor's appointment in two weeks.”

“Can't you have it sooner? I'm not going to wait here for two weeks!”

“Well, you have to be patient. Only the best doctor will take care of our baby, and if you want the best, you have to wait.”

“Aren't there other doctors?”

“This one is the best.”

“Then call when you have proof.” Tommy got up and walked to the door.

“Wait, you just got here.” Beth shadowed Tommy’s footsteps, making him want to growl at her.

“I've been here longer that I would like.”

“Don't be like that.” She moved closer to Tommy, trying to kiss him.

“What are you doing?” he asked, taking a step back.

“Don't worry, I won't be more pregnant than I am already. You can as well... keep me company.”

“I'm not going to make the same mistake the second time,” Tommy snarled coldly, taking long, measured strides out the front door.

When he left the building, Tommy reached into his pocket for his phone before remembering that he left it in the dressing room after the show.

“It's all her fault,” he murmured to himself, cold fury gripping his heart.

 

***

 

A few days after Tommy left, Adam started to worry about him in earnest. The blonde wasn't using his Twitter account or replying to emails. All of that made Adam decide to do something he would have never done under the normal circumstances.

He turned on Tommy's phone, which he had taken from the American Idol building to give back to his friend later. The number of missed calls and messages appeared on the screen. Adam opened the first text, feeling remorse for invading his friend’s privacy that dissipated immediately when he read it.

The text read, “I hope you're coming to see me. Reply.” It was followed up with an address.

 

 


End file.
